Web Relic Showcase: Furniture Porn

Furniture Porn main page screenshot
Screenshot of the main page. Appropriately viewed on Netscape Communicator on Windows 98.

Name: Furniture Porn
URL: www.furnitureporn.com
Year created: 1992
Year abandoned: 2001

If there’s anywhere to go searching for something bizarre, it’s the Internet. Most websites created before 1995 served a serious purpose of some sort. Someone may have created a website to promote their business or organization, provide information to the public, or to host a digital personal portfolio.

Between all the seriousness, there were also some personal websites with no more of an intention than to make users laugh. One of these websites was Furniture porn.

In today’s Internet era, seeing the term “porn” after things that aren’t actual porn is typically applied to “satisfying” images of a non-sexual object, such as “food porn”. But on the Internet in 1992, a title like Furniture Porn meant exactly what it sounded like.

The website

Screenshot of the Furniture Porn main page
Different types of furniture porn to appeal to all preferences. Check out those hot pink marble buttons!

After arriving at the intro page, users are greeted by a simple, black page with a hyperlinked “ENTER” followed by “…unless you’re an enormous wuss”, giving you an idea of what’s to come.

Furniture Porn’s second page brings us to a pre-warning that almost makes you think twice as to whether or not this truly is a NSFW website. You may choose to enter and see furniture engaging in lovemaking, or leave if you are “too young” (or not interested enough) to view.

Labelling itself “the HOTTEST site on the web for hardcore furniture action”, users are treated to Web 1.0 aesthetics which include varying font colours, HTML tables, an awards page, and tiny grainy pictures. Other signs of the time are even more apparent when the page proudly mentions its appearances in various magazines between 1999 and 2001.

Links to different furniture porn stories are provided front and centre. The adventures include “All Amateur Seating”, “The Bondage Seat”, “The Office Party”, and “Hot Outdoor Action”. There is also a special page featuring the seats of the stars of the 2000 Charlie’s Angels film engaging in furniture sex. If still images aren’t enough for the viewer, a link to “A Furniture Porn Movie” treats the viewer to the 4.9MB, 1:10 long “roofsex.mov”.

Viewers can take a break from the steamy XXX furniture action by checking out the website’s non-graphic sections. The “News” section keeps readers informed on all the legalities regarding furniture porn on the Internet, which may also be a parody of Internet censorship concerns of the late 1990’s. There are also “Letters”, “Furniture Porn Rocks”, “Furniture Porn Sucks”, and “A Furniture Porn Testimonial” that lets users see what others are saying about the website. Regardless of whether or not these e-mails are made up, they provide the same good humour found everywhere else on the site.

If the user’s had enough of Furniture Porn, the “Links” page promotes similar sites such as “Block Structure Porn”, “Brush Porn”, “Phone Porn”, and more. The majority of links are broken, but provide a snapshot of a certain type of humour present on the early web.

Furniture Porn banner
An animated banner ad from the “Link to Us” page

Post-abandonment

This site survived into at least 2001, without any indication thereafter of any updates. Nearly reaching Web 2.0, but barely. It is likely that Furniture Porn became the inspiration for other humour-porn websites such as Block Structure Porn or Phone Porn.

The Van Gogh Goghs, the comedy group who created Furniture Porn, have a website that is occasionally updated today (last two updates December 2016 and April 2015). Despite the continuing online presence of TVGG, Furniture Porn’s abandonment makes it clear that it is a project of the past to them. A modern revival of Furniture Porn would be a treat. Despite its dated website, Furniture Porn’s humour remains timeless.

What’s your favourite bizarre humour site from the early web? Share your story in the comments.

Have a suggestion for a future post? Have a net memory of your own that you’d like to share? Send an e-mail to thenetstorian@gmail.com.

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Author: The Netstorian

Internet culture enthusiast and creator of The Netstorian.

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